We must model the behaviors we expect from others. Gandhi
We watched our grandkids happily join a playgroup along a quiet stream in the Rockies. Sticks became shovels, magic wands and light sabers. Rocks were curated gems and blocks formed a great wall. Ala Last Child in the Woods, their creativity and birds, trees and chipmunks stirred deeper meaning than bright objects that flash, beep and drug their receptive brains.
A young mom said, “I can’t wait for them to hit the Big Four. Potty trained, sleep through the night, dress themselves and eat independently.”
We laughed. The benchmarks for tired parents! But if chimps can master the Big Four, were we elevating the trivial and forgetting the higher standards?
Where was the moral element – the stuff of essential and eternal human value?
I grew up in a busted family of weeping and wounds ruled by adults who could punch but wouldn’t cook and could criticize but wouldn’t restrain their anger. Despite my fears, I joined my courageous wife in imparting The Big Two to our own children.
1. UPR: UNCONDITIONALLY AND POSITIVELY RESPECT ALL PEOPLE. Easy as a self-inflicted root canal!
I’d yell, “SHOW RESPECT!” But for that to occur, I had to respect them so they knew what respect looked like. What I modeled would be reflected back.
I’d bellow, “NO MORE TEMPER TANTRUMS!” A big Ah-ha: If I complain and carp and disrespect the world and then denounce and blame those I despise, I’m training our children to complain, carp, denounce and blame siblings, outliers, those with differing opinions and, eventually, us.
“STOP FIGHTING!” I’d yell combatively. If I mean it, then I can’t explode, ever. I had to model calm listening, peaceful compromise and self-governance despite the wily seduction of my precious anger lest I teach them that anger is the true and wise adult answer to problems.
“DON’T SAY THAT!” Meant I’d have to ditch the oaths I’d adopted as a Soldier humping hills too steep, grunting on forced marches too forced, suffering weather too insufferable and subsisting on tinned food too tinny.
“SIT UP AND BE POLITE!” Meant I had to pay exquisite attention to immature children instead of tending to my comfort-seeking self and trivia-dripping screens. For them to listen, I had to listen. To invite respect, I had to be respectful. If I desired peace, I had to stop making war on what triggered my emotions. To hear happy words, I actually had to be happy – a condition I controlled more than I knew.
Is it that simple? Yup.
2. HELP OTHERS DO THE HIGHEST MORAL ACTION, the HMA. To grow happy and truly successful kids, I need to do the Highest Moral Action despite discomfort or risk to self-interest. I need the guts to dial back my career hungers and ramp-up love of my family lest I become not, too cool for school, but too stressed to love.
It’s easy to overwork – for external kudos and money – and damage our most tender, interior relationships – the true and worthy subjects of love.
Parenting challenged me to look at myself and my true core values – not the ones I claimed, but the ones I was living. I waited too long to accept The Big Two, but our children say they’re thankful that I did. Few things cause greater happiness than seeing them guiding their own children toward right living by modeling UPR and Doing the HMA.
What would happen today if you replaced your natural impulsive anger with intentional courageous patience and the personal strength of attentive listening?
